• Miss E

How to communicate with Thinkers Vs Feelers.


Are you a thinker or a feeler? If you've ever done a Myers Briggs test before, then you'll probably know. Even though we all operate on a spectrum, we often lean towards either the thinking side of things or the feeling side of things. For me, I lean pretty hard toward the feeling end of the dream pool. But I find that a lot of the people I'm closest to, my partner and my best friend - are both predominant Thinkers. Which isn't too much of an issue, until suddenly it is. You'll find in your life that you may just have trouble getting your point across to some people - even though you've known them for ages or they're very close to you. I've discovered that this is usually due to a Thinking Vs Feeling moment.


For me, 99% of the time me and my partner are on the same page. We're in sync like twins. But occasionally, we'll have a moment where we just glitch. Malfunctions happen, and earlier this week I had a moment of clarity when I realised why. He was operating in the zone of thoughts - I was operating in the zone of feelings. I couldn't quite understand what he was thinking, he couldn't quite understand what I was feeling. Doesn't sound like much, but it's enough to create a disconnect. During our discussion, he was presenting me with lots of rational and logical arguments. And I just stared at him. Why does he thinks these matter? This isn't making me feel better at all! Ironically, he could tell he was making me feel worse - and so he just kept giving me logical thoughts to try and fix the problem. Because thoughts and reason are what works for him. Eventually, he said you know I love you just as much as you love me. Bingo. Jackpot. Here was something that got through to me. I immediately felt better, and understood where he was coming from. Feelings just make sense to me.

I pondered on this little scenario, and in retrospect realised that when you're trying to reach another person - you have to meet them on their plane of expertise. I've been playing around with this all week, and the results are quite amazing once you know what to look for. So, during a situation I asked a Thinker - how do you feel about that? As you may imagine, I was met with a frown and hesitation. If you ask this to a Thinker, their brain is like I don't know how I feel. Why does it matter? After this little moment, I then said tell me your thoughts. Bing. They could tell me exactly what they were thinking. It's kinda like magic. I feel like I've been prancing around with a magic wand making everyone easier to communicate with. If you're not sure which end of the spectrum you're on, I recommend taking this quick test to tell you. Although, on a day to day basis you can't make everyone take this test before communicating with them. I find that it's pretty easy to tell, simply by adjusting your language to either 'thinking' or 'feeling' words and gauging their response. Otherwise, pay attention to the kinds of words they use. As a Feeler, I usually make statements like: I really feel like curry for dinner. I feel like they don't listen when I talk.

You're just not feeling me.

What do you feel like? Whereas my Thinker counterpart often uses terms like:

I think we should make curry for dinner.

I don't think they listen when I talk.

You're not being reasonable.

What do you think?

Once you figure out what a person is, you'll be able to switch up your language to help communicate more effectively with them. This can help at work, in relationships or with family members. Basically just helps you understand and be understood more effectively! Give it a try.


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