3 easy ways not to get raped/murdered.
This morning I awoke to a message in my inbox from a self-defence trainer I met a couple of months ago. He'd sent a link to an article about the murder of Eurydice Dixon, who had been raped and murdered walking home from work a couple of nights ago. I was already aware of this horrific incident, and wondered why he was sending it to me. It was followed by a pitch - to sign up to his self-defence classes for women. Because - yep, you guessed it - it's up to us not to get raped and murdered!
So now that we're all proper disgusted and terrified to our core - I thought I'd put together a helpful list so that none of us are the victims of horrific acts. Here we go ladies.
1. Always have a male escort in public.
This seems so obvious, I'm not sure why we haven't been doing this already. It's pretty much only women walking around on their own who are savaged by men. Duh! Obviously we should just never leave the house without a man to ward off vultures. Now, you may be thinking, Erika - my partner/father/brother/friend can't be with me all the time when I'm out and about! They have jobs and lives to attend to. Am I doomed to stay at home most of the time? Fear not! The solution is simple - hire a male escort. Yep. Literally. Sure, it may cost you a bit extra to go out for ice-cream with Chuck Johnson, but can you really afford not to?
2. Don't wear provocative clothing.
C'mon ladies, that mini-skirt is practically begging for it. How dare we wear clothing of our own choosing, knowing that looking and feeling good in our own bodies will make men commit horrendous acts. We should feel ashamed of ourselves. So, how do we still dress fashionably and look great, without the nasty side-effects of brutal rape/murder? I have a solution! We need to dress like men. That way, we still look hot, but instead of getting raped by men - women will be throwing themselves at us! Hello new besties!
3. Learn how to defend yourself.
We've really been dropping the ball on this one ladies. Why would we expect to walk around safely at night, and not need to physically defend ourselves from attackers? I blame the education system, I distinctly remember learning soccer in Physical Eduction but definitely no self defence classes. Oh - here's an idea! While the teenage girls are off doing their self defence classes during P.E. - the boys can take a class on how to dispose of a body at 3am. Win-win!
And there we have it! If all women just follow these 3 simple steps, the world will be a much safer and happier place. Obviously, it makes total sense to put the onus back onto women to counteract male behaviour. It's not like we should be focusing on how men should be changing their attitudes and behaviour. That would be silly! Boys will be boys, after all! I mean, a women's self-defence-class makes much more sense than a men's respect-women-class. Right? And getting women to always be accompanied by a man in public, makes much more sense than making sure every man is accompanied by a woman - to ensure he doesn't rape and murder anyone.
...you know what? I feel like there's another list that might work... this one's for the fellas.
3 easy ways not to rape/murder.
1. Always have a female escort in public.
Because really, it's usually a man walking around alone at night that accidentally rapes/murders people. It's just common sense that men shouldn't leave the house without a female escort to protect them from committing such acts.
2. Don't look at women. Ever.
If looking at a woman's bare legs incites feelings of rape and murder, maybe just don't look!? Maybe just walk around like a normal person staring exclusively at your phone screen. Or, even better, let's create an app that demands men stare at it constantly when out in public. And if they look away? Small electrical shock to the groin.
3. Learn how to respect women.
Compulsory weekly classes with a female instructor, who will demonstrate moves that will respect even a weaker opponent! The instructor will show men how to asses a situation in which they are a threat, disarm their murderous thoughts, and then punch themselves in the groin.